No Mans Sky Must Stop Punishing The Player

I found a crashed ship with more storage slots and weapons than mine on a crashed planet. I rushed over in excitement and quickly chose the option to transfer my inventory.

If it doesn't work out I'll just transfer it back to mine, right? Wrong. My ship immediately vanished and then the damage became apparent. I needed a ton of Heridium but my planet didn't have any. At least the few meters worth of range I had on the most toxic planet I had found so far didn't have any. 

I could only walk for a few seconds before having to run back to the ship before my systems shut down due to toxicity. 

I spent ages dismantling stuff only to find that if I didn't have enough slots in either my exosuit or my ship that I wouldn't get the Heridium I was looking for. I'd then have to reload my save and clear space again. 

I only had 2 saves to pick from, if I'd had more then I'd just have gone back to before I got to the planet I later named Toxic Shathole and avoided the fucking thing all together. 

Eventually after dumping most of the ship systems, add ons to my exosuit and weapon, I had enough Heridium to take off. I had no deflector shield but I didn't need that to take off.

I then took off and exploded because I hit a giant floating rock which was about 10m above my ship and I had no deflector shield... How much fucking pain do I have to go through!

I then had to reload my save and go through the miserable inventory management trial and error randomly appearing/disappearing dismantled material tasks again. Then I shot the massive floating lump of copper above my ship to pieces (jumping back into my ship every 30 seconds to recover from toxicity) and eventually took off. 

I think that took all about 3 hours. I don't have a lot of time to play games, and I object to having 3 hours of it dedicated to working around shitty inventory, save state and planet creation systems. Randomised planet stuff is fine, but some need to have a bit of thought put into them to ensure that some of the treasure found on them can be taken away and used without 3 hours worth of chores. 

A longer list of accessible save states, a better way of handling inventory, and keeping some important planets to story progression from game breaking toxicity and sparseness would be great. I paid £50 for this game on the ps store and I think I deserve better.

vCenter 5.5 to 6.0 upgrade woes

When upgrading from vCenter 5.5 U2 to 6.0 U1, I got hit first off with "Error applying transforms. Verify that the specified transform paths are valid", which I think was error 1603.  This aborted the uninstall phase at the first product, so a reboot got my vCenter back up and running again.

The issue was caused by the msi transform location noted in the registry (a temp folder), which no longer existed. 

The fix is just to clear out the Transforms key contents in the registry, which forces the Windows installer to use defaults instead.  See a similar article on it here.

Next up, the TSE who couldn't help me with the first issue, suggested that I use SSO credentials for both parts of the vCenter install.  This failed right at the end of the install phase, and after automatically ripping out all the v6 components, I had to restore my vCenter from backup.

I strongly advise using local Windows administrator credentials for this part.  I did that and the rest of the install worked as expected for me.  Hope this is of use to someone else searching for the same problem.

TVii coming to Europe in a different guise?

I had my monthly tantrum at not being able to use TVii and decided to direct it this time at Nintendo Customer Services.  Here is the rather interesting reply:

Dear Le Gazman,

Thank you for your email regarding the Nintendo Wii U.

We can confirm that there are plans to release a service similar to TVii within Europe. The full details of this will be announced in the near future. To keep up to date with future announcements you can check our websitehttp://www.nintendo.co.uk and sign up for the Club Nintendo newsletters.

We hope you continue to enjoy Nintendo products.

If you have any further questions or queries, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Kind Regards

Yene Tikur
Your Nintendo UK Team
0845 60 50 247

SQL Server Express High CPU Utilization

If you've got a SQL Express VM which has sqlsvr.exe maxing out the CPU regularly, you could do worse than tweak your CPU configuration.  SQL Express is limited to 1 CPU or 4 cores, so if your VM is setup with 2 sockets, SQL will only a ever use one of them.

Tweak the VM settings to use 1 socket and just add cores to spread the SQL load.

Why does Nintendo hate me?

Do nintendo genuinely despise their customers? Do they devise their online strategy to deliberately extort them? Are they inept? Or am I missing something?

At every turn nintendo seem to make the online experience just plain stupifying. Take the eShop - I paid for loads of VC games on Wii but can't re-download them on my Wii U. There is a workaround, but for that to work for me I need to go back in time with some extra money and persuade my 2012 self not to trade my Wii in for a Wii U. I would then have to perform a bizarre transfer process because my purchases were tied to my console and not the email address I had to use to pay for them all. So unless I happen upon a crazy wild eyed scientist with a flying DeLorean, my games are gone forever. I can still see them on my SD card in Wii mode though, which serves as some additional salt in the wound.

Nintendo can't plead ignorance on this because they know I downloaded a Luigi's Mansion screensaver in 2002. It says so under my club nintendo account history. They know what Gamecube and DS games I registered for VIP points, they know what I've downloaded on my Wii, Wii U and 3DS but they have setup a system which refuses to acknowledge past purchases when it suits them to do so.

Not learning my lesson, I recently bought some VC games on Wii U to tide me over until some proper games that I want to play come along. I fancied playing Punch-Out!! on my 3DS while I took a poop tonight so went to download it. That'll be another £4.49 please. What?! I only paid 30p for it on Wii U! I also paid about £20 for it on NES about 25yrs ago. Nintendo keep stiffing me for the same handful of games each time I buy new hardware. The only comparison I have is with the Star Wars films, which I stopped re-buying after their first issue on DVD.

Compare that with Apple's system. If I buy a game on my iPad its already waiting on my iPhone by the time I pick it up to check. If I buy a new device, all my content is there waiting for me when I log in. Sony's system is very similar, where if you buy a PSOne classic on your PS3 you can download it on your PSP or Vita for free.  Those are joined up systems that have been designed with a positive user experience in mind.

Thankfully nintendo have listened to reason and ditched the ridiculous rule that you couldn't buy adult-themed content until after most people (adults included) had gone to bed. It's gone now thankfully, but who could EVER have thought that was a good idea?

Nintendo came late to the online party but they've learned nothing from what the competition was doing while they waited. That "online curfew" on the Wii U is a mistake they could have gotten away with making 10yrs ago, but not now. I was genuinely dumbfounded by its introduction in 2012.

I still can't work the stupid Wii U GUI and I'm not sure I'll ever have enough controllers to play all the mini-games in Nintendoland, despite having spent a small fortune already. I've been hailing the nintendo difference for 4 decades now but I'm pretty sure unless things change quickly that the love affair will soon be over. I'm fed up being taken for a numpty and nintendo seem to be playing the same old tricks again and again.

UPDATE: Nintendo know full well what I've bought, but just can't be bothered giving me my games on Wii U. This is from their own website when I login. Looks like most of my VC purchases are in there:

My Registered Games & Systems
87 Items Sort by: Items per page:

Wii Street U powered by Google
registered: 16/02/2013 Claim Stars for this download.

 Paper Mario: Sticker Star
registered: 25/12/2012

 Nintendo Land
registered: 25/12/2012

 3D Classics Kid Icarus
registered: 21/12/2012 Claim Stars for this download.

 ZombiU
registered: 30/11/2012

 New Super Mario Bros. U
registered: 30/11/2012

 ZombiU Premium Pack (Black)
registered: 30/11/2012

 New Super Mario Bros. 2
registered: 19/08/2012

 Super Mario Land™ 2: 6 Golden Coins™
registered: 28/06/2012

 Super Mario Land™
registered: 22/06/2012

 Kid Icarus: Uprising
registered: 24/03/2012

 Donkey Kong Country Returns
registered: 09/03/2012

 Resident Evil™ Revelations
registered: 31/01/2012

 The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword - Limited Edition Pack (Game + CD + Wii Remote Plus)
registered: 25/12/2011

 SUPER MARIO 3D LAND
registered: 25/12/2011

 Nintendo Letter Box
registered: 22/12/2011 Claim Stars for this download.

 EUROSPORT
registered: 15/12/2011 Claim Stars for this download.

 Star Fox 64 3D
registered: 25/09/2011

 Monster Hunter Tri
registered: 23/08/2011

 METROID: Other M
registered: 11/08/2011

 Nintendo Video
registered: 13/07/2011 Claim Stars for this download.

 Pokédex™ 3D
registered: 08/07/2011 Claim Stars for this download.

 nintendogs + cats: Golden Retriever & New Friends
registered: 07/07/2011

 The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D
registered: 28/06/2011

 Nintendo 3DS
registered: 28/06/2011

 3D Classics Excitebike™
registered: 28/06/2011 Claim Stars for this download.

 Kirby TV Channel
registered: 23/06/2011

 Super Mario Galaxy 2
registered: 26/06/2010

 Super Mario Kart™
registered: 02/04/2010

 Muscle March
registered: 20/03/2010

 The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks
registered: 25/12/2009

 BBC iPlayer
registered: 18/11/2009

 Today and Tomorrow Channel
registered: 09/09/2009

 Flipnote Studio
registered: 14/08/2009

 Mario Kart Wii
registered: 29/06/2009

 PUNCH-OUT!!
registered: 29/06/2009

 Elite Beat Agents
registered: 16/05/2009

 Rhythm Paradise
registered: 08/05/2009

 DSi
registered: 01/05/2009

 WarioWare: Snapped!
registered: 01/05/2009

 Nintendo DSi Browser
registered: 01/05/2009

 Super Punch-Out!!™
registered: 26/03/2009

 Dr. Kawashima's Brain Training: How Old is Your Brain?
registered: 19/07/2008

 Nintendo Channel
registered: 30/05/2008

 Wii Fit
registered: 02/05/2008

 The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
registered: 01/01/2008

 Blades of Steel™
registered: 27/12/2007

 Resident Evil : The Umbrella Chronicles
registered: 26/12/2007

 Lylat Wars™
registered: 26/12/2007

 Bomberman® '93
registered: 18/12/2007

 The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time™
registered: 18/12/2007

 Link's Crossbow Training
registered: 12/12/2007

 Photo Channel
registered: 11/12/2007

 Super Mario Galaxy
registered: 23/11/2007

 Super Mario Bros.™ 3
registered: 12/11/2007

 Mii Contest Channel
registered: 12/11/2007

 Sin and Punishment
registered: 28/09/2007

 Ninja Gaiden™
registered: 21/09/2007

 Super Mario Bros.™: The Lost Levels™
registered: 19/09/2007

 Super Paper Mario
registered: 14/09/2007

 Resident Evil 4 Wii edition
registered: 24/07/2007

 Big Brain Academy for Wii
registered: 24/07/2007

 Paper Mario™
registered: 14/07/2007

 Super Mario Bros. 2™
registered: 26/05/2007

 Excite Truck
registered: 05/05/2007

 The Legend of Zelda™: A Link to the Past™
registered: 31/03/2007

 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles®
registered: 19/03/2007

 Everybody Votes Channel
registered: 14/02/2007

 WarioWare: Smooth Moves
registered: 20/01/2007

 Super Mario Bros.™
registered: 12/01/2007

 Internet Channel
registered: 22/12/2006

 Sonic the Hedgehog™
registered: 20/12/2006

 Wii Sports
registered: 08/12/2006

 The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
registered: 08/12/2006

 Wii
registered: 08/12/2006

 Mario Kart DS
registered: 26/11/2005

 Advance Wars: Dual Strike
registered: 18/11/2005

 Super Mario 64 DS
registered: 27/06/2005

 Yoshi Touch & Go
registered: 27/06/2005

 Nintendo DS
registered: 27/06/2005

 The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
registered: 07/05/2003

 Metroid Prime
registered: 21/03/2003

 Super Mario Sunshine
registered: 15/11/2002

 Luigi's Mansion
registered: 01/07/2002

 Super Smash Bros. Melee
registered: 01/07/2002

 Wave Race: Blue Storm
registered: 01/07/2002

 Nintendo GameCube
registered: 29/06/2002

Migrate Exchange 2010 URL's from .local to public ones

From 2015 you won't be able to get an SSL certificate for a .local domain name. If you're looking to buy a 5yr certificate like me, then that's going to cause you some issues. Here's how to work around it...

First of all, import your new SSL certificate by creating a CSR without your .local addresses, and process it on your CA's website. Once you have your certificates, complete the process in IIS and then Exchange.

To get the thumbprint, run the following command and note the new and the old thumbprint (the expiry dates may help if there are a lot of them):

Get-ExchangeCertificate | fl

If you redirect users from HTTP to HTTPS then it won't work from EMC and you'll have to use the following command in EMS to switch IIS over to the new certificate:

Enable-ExchangeCertificate -Thumbprint -Services "IIS" –DoNotRequireSSL

If for any reason you have to switch IIS back to the old one, then just run the above, but use the old thumbprint instead.

Now that IIS is using the new certificate which doesn't include your .local addresses, you are going to get errors in Outlook when it tries to do things like sync the OAB. You'll need to force the following 3 URL's to the same as your external ones.

Before I made the changes I ran the following commands so that I could make a note of the old URL's in case anything went wrong. Note the old Internal URL's or better still, capture the screen:

Get-ClientAccessServer -Identity |fl

Get-WebServicesVirtualDirectory -Identity "EWS (Default Web Site)" |fl

Get-OABVirtualDirectory |fl

Set Autodiscover Internal URL:

Set-ClientAccessServer -Identity –AutodiscoverServiceInternalUri https://your.public.address/Autodiscover/Autodiscover.xml

Set Exchange Web Services Internal URL:

Set-WebServicesVirtualDirectory -Identity "SERVERNAME\EWS (Default Web Site)" -InternalUrl https://your.public.address/ews/exchange.asmx

Set Offline Address Book Internal URL:

Set-OABVirtualDirectory -Identity "https://your.public.address/OAB

Once complete, several guides say to click Recycle in IIS>Application Pools>MS Exchange Autodiscover, but that didn't work for me. I just stopped and started MSExchangeAutodiscoverAppPool instead.

Wii U first impressions

Hardware

I've never been particularly confused by a new console before, but even upon plugging in the Wii U it had me wondering. My first question was where is the optical audio output - there isn't one, so it's plain old DPLII for me until I buy another AV receiver. There are two power supplies, one for the console and one for the remote. I realised just how necessary that was this weekend when I had to charge it 4 times. The Gamepad has lots of potential but it also uses a lot of juice.

So you'd be better off using the Pro Controller instead then? It comes bundled at a fair old price with the ZombiU pack after all, but you can't use it with the game. Nor can you use it with New Super Mario Bros U, a game which is surely crying out for a traditional controller. I just don't get it - why bother releasing it? You can use a 5yr old Wii remote but you cant use the brand new Pro Controller that everyone is talking about. The Wii U Gamepad offers absolutely nothing in the main game and just replicates what you see on screen for the most part. I grudge using all that battery life when the Pro Controller would do just as good if not better a job. It's probably a better bit of kit than the XBox 360 controller so Nintendo need to get their act together and make sure their own software supports it.

The Gamepad is well built and the charging dock is a good idea, especially given the battery life, which is similar too if not a little better than a 3DS.

OS

I still not sure I understand the OS yet either. You don't seem to be able to control it at all from the Gamepad. You get a very nice looking wara wara plaza on the TV screen, but if you can't control from the Gamepad. You can switch it over to the Gamepad screen, but that puts the basic one on the big screen.  I could be wrong on this one but I just don't find any of this very intuitive.

Miiverse is a genuine innovation and could really add a lot to a game. It doesn't seem possible to filter comments/spoilers about the particular level you're on, which could come in really handy if you get stuck. There aren't any filter or search options but hopefully that'll come. The Web Browser and YouTube apps are the best I've seen on any console. These 3 apps are really well done. The eShop is really good too, nintendo's best effort to date. The pricing is shocking though, for its retail downloads. They need to find a way to match high street if not online retail pricing for it to be worthwhile. I'd love to download Nintendoland straight from the eShop but not for 50 quid!

Next up is the overscan setting. Bizarrely it's an option in the eShop and Miiverse but they haven't taken the obvious step of just doing it once in the OS's TV settings. The games themselves don't seem to suffer but the wara wara plaza look stupid as lots of elements are placed in the outer edges of the screen and therefor get cut off. Ive had my Pioneer HDTV for over 5yrs and have never had a problem with any HD device until Wii U came along. There doesn't seem to be a system wide option for this but hopefully like my other 2 concerns above, it shouldn't take much to fix this.

Games

I've only played two games so far - New Super Mario Bros Wii U and ZombiU.  ZombiU takes quite a while to get going and focuses more on survival horror creating a sense of foreboding.  It's much more about exploration and survival than a straight up zombie massacre like Left 4 Dead.  It works though, and the more you play it the better it gets.  The later missions like the Community Nursery are genuinely terrifying and put me in mind of Silent Hill.

New Super Mario Bros Wii U is gorgeous.  I never thought Mario in HD would look so good, but if his 2D outing is anything to go by, we are in for a treat when he next appears in 3D.  It's the usual side-scrolling stuff, but it does benefit from the addition of Miiverse.  The Gamepad is wasted by purely mirroring the onscreen action, no doubt leading to a lot of unnecessary battery drain.  I'd rather it just switched off to save battery life or presented something else onscreen instead.

Conclusion

I haven't fully got to know it yet but I know the Wii U going to do well and deliver me the kind of magical gaming experiences that only Nintendo can create. They just need to iron out the creases quickly before they put off too many people. I also hope they continue to develop the GUI the same way Microsoft have with their dashboard. Wii barely changed at all throughout its entire lifespan, but I don't think Nintendo can stand still again this time.

I fondled a Nintendo 3DS and I kind of liked it

First up, the analogue thumbstick is ace, really really nice. Perfect in fact. The 3D effect is pronounced but totally depends on the game. Zelda looked fantastic for instance, but I'm really not that convinced about Resident Evil Mercinaries or Kid Icarus. Resident Evil felt very restricted by only having one analogue stick (as lovely to fondle as it was), and Kid Icarus needed you to hold the left shoulder button to rotate the camera but I found it really annoying. I suspect if I played it for a bit longer without some bimbo telling me to go and try the shitty AR games that no one was looking at that I'd have got to grips with it.

The 3D effect really struck me during Nintendogs + Cats when my puppy jumped out the screen at me for attention. It really worked and I believed what I was seeing.

The tilt thing is a waste of time though. The minute you tilt the machine on any axis , it falls out of the 3D sweet spot and it looks stupid. Your eyes tend to get strained at this point too, I got a sore head playing Monkey Ball within minutes.

Most AR Games looked shite because again they involved tilting the controller which kept losing me the 3D effect. Maybe you'd get used to how to move it and still stay in the sweet spot but it was very offputting. I liked one game where you had to point the camera at a card to kick off the Augmented Reality. Certain parts of the game required you to walk around the object (for example to shoot a target on the back of the large dragon enemy I was fighting). It added an extra 3D element to it, I can imagine doing that in a Zelda game and it being quite fun. The AR games which involved tilting the console just looked rubbish and gave me a sore head.

I didn't get a chance to play Pilotwings (never saw it on any of the 30 or 40 odd demo-machines, but I think it would be great.

So would I buy one? Well I have one pre-ordered anyway, but I will probably keep it if I can at least get Pilotwings or Zelda on release day. I think there's a lot to come from the console, particularly what they decide to do with the 3D camera for pics and videos. I'm pissed off that Nintendo have pulled back a few heavy hitting titles from the launch to help 3rd party sales - this reeks of the travesty that was the Gamecube.

Bayonetta Alfheim #12 - Use Torture Attacks

This was an absolute bastard so on the off chance you're googling for this, here's how to do it:

If only I'd realised that Torture Attacks are done by levelling up your magic before I'd finished it on both Normal and Hard modes I might have got this done a bit quicker!

If I you want to complete this easily, equipp the Gaze of Despair (which makes everyone angry and gives you stronger combos and thus more magic points) and the Moon of Mahaa Kalaa (bursting into Witch Time using this gives you big combo points too) to level up your magic so much faster!

After some practise, you should get 3 Torture Attacks from the first 3 enemies, then at least 2 from the flying dudes. Then just fight till the end once you get 5!

 

Driving is shit

I think I've just had enough of driving. I hate being forced to drive at a ridiculously low speed by average speed cameras, which ensure I spend most of my commute staring more at my speedo than I do the road. I actually pay to drive on roads which are so poorly maintained that if the speed bumps don't slowly destroy the steering rack and suspension then the pot-holes will.

During winter any so called sports car is rendered useless on roads covered in the residue from grit put down for a snow which thawed weeks before. Driving any manual car now is guaranteed to give you a hernia, such is the volume of traffic each day and number of gearchanges required from 1st to 2nd and back again.

Hidden cameras on motorway bridges mean even if you do find a quiet road, that around every kink on it is a scamera van. These are placed there by a 'partnership' (police) who know where all the good stretches on which you could potentially make up some time from the congestion and average speed cameras earlier in your journey. It's a relentless war on the motorist.

Not content on a pay as you go tax for fuel at the modest rate of 90%, the government also has us pay a fixed price tax for our vehicles which classes anything over a 1.8 as a gas guzzler. Pretty soon anything over a 1.8 will cost at leat 500 quid a year to tax.

The TV show which once reminded us of why we love driving so much is now met each week it broadcasts with almost universal bile from ecomentalists, who have slowly begun to make our passtime as unpleasant and socially unacceptable as smoking or not bringing a bag for life at the supermarket.

I just don't enjoy driving any more. I do for maybe 5 or 6 days a year during summer when I have the time to enjoy a drive to the highlands or the borders. But is it worth paying over 500 quid a month to run a sportscar all year round? I think no.

If I didn't work just out of town I would gladly hand my license back out of protest. The government and the ecomentalists have won, and I have given up trying to pretend otherwise.

Knight Rider 2008

Who else is watching it? I am. And I know full well that it's complete shit. But the lead actor is handsome and watchable, there are lots of hot bitches with their titties out a wee bit, and KITT is a shiny Mustang GT500 which I am secretly planning to replace the Elise with.

The rawk theme tune makes me want to punch someone in the face it's so good, and it makes me feel like the excitable wee boy I am 99% of the time when I watch it.

Yes the plot and dialogue are horrific, but with images and a theme tune that sumptuous to digest, who cares. It may be dumb, but at least it doesn't have a phone vote for who has the most disabled siblings, dead mums, and grandads with the least lymbs most amounts of cancerous lumps in their body and dependent children to make you cry into your Iceland Chicken Biryani (one pound).

Showering while drunk

Why does it feel so wrong? It's like watching a cow walk down stairs backwards, or deliberately trying to piss yourself. You don't want to do it, because it feels against nature.

But why does going in the shower drunk feel so wrong though? It's awful; it's almost like you are temporarily drenched in the grief you'd get with the death of a loved one. All the nice things about a shower go away, like the heat and pressure from the water running in a loving trickle down your neck and the steam making you feel all clean and nice. All those things are gone.

Instead you're left standing naked whilst it feels like lots of tar-covered orks from Lord of the Rings rub you down with dirty brushes whilst mocking your genitalia. Try it sometime. You'll know exactly what I mean.

It's the 26th June

Must be my birthday today then!

Never woken up on my birthday with a hangover before. Someone has sent me a load of boxes from M&S so I'm hoping it's food supplies. My sister sent me a B.A. Barrachus t-shirt which is hella cool, and my cats clawed the hell out of my pants (which were on the floor) to get me out of bed.

It's a nice day so i think I'll jump in the Lotus and head for the countryside at warp speed. Out tomorrow in Prestwick so I better conserve my energy for that since I'm an old man now.

Just a thought, why do these f**king things in the Cadbury's Twisted adverts look like shites? Why on earth would you use something that looks like a shite to advertise a food product???

Heading back to the UK

Went to Pacific Beach today after work for a walk about in my shorts & t-shirt and flip flops, to go for a walk and grab some dinner. You just cannot describe the quality of women out here man, it's astonishing. Every stereotype is true. Girls in golden bikini tops and hotpants rollerblading along the shore, listening to their i-pods with a sun tan and T&A to die for.

I went to Hooters for my dinner which didn't help make me want to leave San Diego either.

I pimped myself out to the managers of both departments I've been out here working with, letting them know that if anything comes up, I'd like to be considered. They've been very postitive, so I live in hope.

I'm sitting here now, about to go out for a few pints and thinking about home. You know what I miss about home?

Fuck all...

That's Vegas done and dusted

I spent the first night at a party in a mansion that the Osbourne's would be proud of, met loads of people and everyone loved the accent and my disgusting stories. I also think I met that guy from Transformers who everybody fancies, and we were talking about UFC (basically a legal fight club). Then the next day we were in a car crash in desert heat and I was just so thankful the A/C was working. That night we went to the strip and ended up at New York New York for food and beer, then for some reason I drove us to a biker bar in the severely ghetto end of town. When I walked in I thought I had made a terrible mistake, as "bad to the bone" was playing and everyone turned round in horror at us all dressed up like we were going to a casino, but instead choosing to gatecrash a biker bar. But then I got talking to some crackheads, met some badass bikers who bought us drink all night, and a few hispanic gangsta's who looked like they were from Cypress Hill. They showed me their guns and then we went for a ride on the Harleys. At 4am. Drunk! I then got into the DJ booth, put on some hip hop stuff, had everyone in stitches at this Scottish bawbag doing the running man on the podium (got 2 girls and a couple of gangsta's to join in) then I did a spot of pole dancing. I've never been anywhere like it in my puff. I suppose like anything though, it's what you make of it. And I went to town! Pics will be ace once I get back to Jockland and plug my phone into the laptop.

Spewing from a moving vehicle

The drive to Vegas yesterday was horrible. It was the most hungover I've been in my life, and I had to keep getting Krystal to pull over and let me be sick. Eventually I just gave up asking her to pull over and spewed out the window and up the side of her car! I stopped being sick once we got to Death Valley, CA where we stopped for Taco Bell and all was well from then on. She has epillepsy and took a seizure when we were driving, that was not so good. We took off, smashed up 3 wheels and ended up on the opposite carriageway. Being mr cool I sorted it though. Anyhow back to the strip tonight where I will take lots of pictures and get drunk before my long bus journey back to San Diego tomorrow.

Birthday party?

I haven't had a birthday party ever, I don't think! So ok, 29 isn't exactly a milestone but I think I'll rustle up a posse of friends and have a party in Prestwick on the 27th. Fancy coming? Just holler! In other news, I think my life is slowly turning into Grand Theft Auto! "Take somewhere she would like". Finish date then "Press A to push your luck, press B to say goodnight". Whisk her about in a sports car and drive it like you stole it? Yeah that sounds about right!

I might go to jail

Hey bitches, it's 10am and i haev woke up drunk cos some girl i met last night who worked at a bar is gipng to vegas. I'm going with her and i don't think i'm coming back until tuesday. i need to be at work on tuesday though, so fuck knows what's going to happen there.

i don't care. its all part of the ride and i don't give a fuck. i was so smashed last night i did 3 karaoke efforts. 1st one was Valerie, 2nd was Umbrella (ella ella ella) and 3rd was Sweet child o mine.

The yanks loved it and now all those fucks are goig to vegas and so am i. Fuck i don't even know there names and i feel sick.

so i might get the jail or something so i'll se you seeoon. promise to take pictures.

Complimentary happy hour

"Please visit the restaurant for our daily happy hour, which offers complimentary snack food and alcoholic beverages between 17:30 and 19:00" it says in the hotel welcome card. Hmmm... Free drink and free food? Mr ambassador, you are spoiling us!

I walk down beside the pool. It's 30 degrees outside, I have already spotted a Tera Patrick lookalike MILF, and I haven't even had a drink yet! They are offering nachos and some other shite, but nachos will do fine. I get a plate full of tortillas, salsa, and jallipinos then head for the squirty hot cheese machine. Oh baby.

Food is done, it's time to get my drink on. There's a bird with two machines behind her which are squirting out piss warm beer into plastic cups. No thanks. I spy a bottle of red wine which is as yet unopened. I ask her to crank it open and a plastic cup of some decent enough red is mine. Nachos eaten and wine guzzled, it's time for more. I realise that other guests have been tipping the barmaid a buck per drink just for her effort. She's black and looks a bit like that stupid one off The Apprentice who offered an account manager for washing your pants for my liking, but I feel the guilt kicking in.

I take one more free cup of wine, and gulp that down too. People are noticing that I don't have food this time, and I'm just drinking free wine. They are all rednecks and are like pigs in shit with their piss warm chango. I'm not. I head back up to my room for some single notes. Do I head down, knowing full well the entire place knows I've already left? Hell yeah, I'm there!

I head down and tip the girl two dolla for the guilt and ask her for another free wine. I head back to my table which hasn't yet been cleared and sit there like I'm still eating. I get some ice cream but don't eat it. Just to make it look like there's still unfinished business on my table, but it's the wine I'm interested in. I gulp that glass then head back. I walk up and she asks "red wine, sir?" hell yeah, get that shit poured, bitch! But I can't go back now. I have a nacho cheese stain on my shirt, and a face that is soon to collapse.

So I head back to my room, to a flashing telephone, which means I have voicemail. To be continued...

Randomness

Isn't it great? How you can be feeling shit one moment, then out of the blue something or someone comes along and cheers you right up? It's happened loads during my life when I've felt shit, or thought all was lost and then randomness has stepped in and thrown a bone in my direction. Randomness can also be bad. Like when the car breaks down when you're miles from anywhere, or when a pigeon shits on the tits of a girl you're chatting up and she runs away in tears. But mostly randomness is good. I feel much better now after a random event tonight when i was feeling down. Dunno who controls randomness, but someone must. And they have a sense of humour too.