That's Vegas done and dusted

I spent the first night at a party in a mansion that the Osbourne's would be proud of, met loads of people and everyone loved the accent and my disgusting stories. I also think I met that guy from Transformers who everybody fancies, and we were talking about UFC (basically a legal fight club). Then the next day we were in a car crash in desert heat and I was just so thankful the A/C was working. That night we went to the strip and ended up at New York New York for food and beer, then for some reason I drove us to a biker bar in the severely ghetto end of town. When I walked in I thought I had made a terrible mistake, as "bad to the bone" was playing and everyone turned round in horror at us all dressed up like we were going to a casino, but instead choosing to gatecrash a biker bar. But then I got talking to some crackheads, met some badass bikers who bought us drink all night, and a few hispanic gangsta's who looked like they were from Cypress Hill. They showed me their guns and then we went for a ride on the Harleys. At 4am. Drunk! I then got into the DJ booth, put on some hip hop stuff, had everyone in stitches at this Scottish bawbag doing the running man on the podium (got 2 girls and a couple of gangsta's to join in) then I did a spot of pole dancing. I've never been anywhere like it in my puff. I suppose like anything though, it's what you make of it. And I went to town! Pics will be ace once I get back to Jockland and plug my phone into the laptop.

Spewing from a moving vehicle

The drive to Vegas yesterday was horrible. It was the most hungover I've been in my life, and I had to keep getting Krystal to pull over and let me be sick. Eventually I just gave up asking her to pull over and spewed out the window and up the side of her car! I stopped being sick once we got to Death Valley, CA where we stopped for Taco Bell and all was well from then on. She has epillepsy and took a seizure when we were driving, that was not so good. We took off, smashed up 3 wheels and ended up on the opposite carriageway. Being mr cool I sorted it though. Anyhow back to the strip tonight where I will take lots of pictures and get drunk before my long bus journey back to San Diego tomorrow.

Birthday party?

I haven't had a birthday party ever, I don't think! So ok, 29 isn't exactly a milestone but I think I'll rustle up a posse of friends and have a party in Prestwick on the 27th. Fancy coming? Just holler! In other news, I think my life is slowly turning into Grand Theft Auto! "Take somewhere she would like". Finish date then "Press A to push your luck, press B to say goodnight". Whisk her about in a sports car and drive it like you stole it? Yeah that sounds about right!

I might go to jail

Hey bitches, it's 10am and i haev woke up drunk cos some girl i met last night who worked at a bar is gipng to vegas. I'm going with her and i don't think i'm coming back until tuesday. i need to be at work on tuesday though, so fuck knows what's going to happen there.

i don't care. its all part of the ride and i don't give a fuck. i was so smashed last night i did 3 karaoke efforts. 1st one was Valerie, 2nd was Umbrella (ella ella ella) and 3rd was Sweet child o mine.

The yanks loved it and now all those fucks are goig to vegas and so am i. Fuck i don't even know there names and i feel sick.

so i might get the jail or something so i'll se you seeoon. promise to take pictures.

Complimentary happy hour

"Please visit the restaurant for our daily happy hour, which offers complimentary snack food and alcoholic beverages between 17:30 and 19:00" it says in the hotel welcome card. Hmmm... Free drink and free food? Mr ambassador, you are spoiling us!

I walk down beside the pool. It's 30 degrees outside, I have already spotted a Tera Patrick lookalike MILF, and I haven't even had a drink yet! They are offering nachos and some other shite, but nachos will do fine. I get a plate full of tortillas, salsa, and jallipinos then head for the squirty hot cheese machine. Oh baby.

Food is done, it's time to get my drink on. There's a bird with two machines behind her which are squirting out piss warm beer into plastic cups. No thanks. I spy a bottle of red wine which is as yet unopened. I ask her to crank it open and a plastic cup of some decent enough red is mine. Nachos eaten and wine guzzled, it's time for more. I realise that other guests have been tipping the barmaid a buck per drink just for her effort. She's black and looks a bit like that stupid one off The Apprentice who offered an account manager for washing your pants for my liking, but I feel the guilt kicking in.

I take one more free cup of wine, and gulp that down too. People are noticing that I don't have food this time, and I'm just drinking free wine. They are all rednecks and are like pigs in shit with their piss warm chango. I'm not. I head back up to my room for some single notes. Do I head down, knowing full well the entire place knows I've already left? Hell yeah, I'm there!

I head down and tip the girl two dolla for the guilt and ask her for another free wine. I head back to my table which hasn't yet been cleared and sit there like I'm still eating. I get some ice cream but don't eat it. Just to make it look like there's still unfinished business on my table, but it's the wine I'm interested in. I gulp that glass then head back. I walk up and she asks "red wine, sir?" hell yeah, get that shit poured, bitch! But I can't go back now. I have a nacho cheese stain on my shirt, and a face that is soon to collapse.

So I head back to my room, to a flashing telephone, which means I have voicemail. To be continued...

Randomness

Isn't it great? How you can be feeling shit one moment, then out of the blue something or someone comes along and cheers you right up? It's happened loads during my life when I've felt shit, or thought all was lost and then randomness has stepped in and thrown a bone in my direction. Randomness can also be bad. Like when the car breaks down when you're miles from anywhere, or when a pigeon shits on the tits of a girl you're chatting up and she runs away in tears. But mostly randomness is good. I feel much better now after a random event tonight when i was feeling down. Dunno who controls randomness, but someone must. And they have a sense of humour too.

Got back from Singapore

Had a cracking time - but I was working of course!

The women over there all seem to have stellar bodies, but quite a lot of them were also BOBFOC's. Which is to say "Body of Baywatch Face of Crimewatch" (says Rob Lowe, here). A few nice ones in Hooters which I should have a pic of at some point.

I knew I was going to get a cold on the flight home as I always do on long haul. I was jokingly told you don't get a cold on business class. True to form I proved them wrong and now have proper man flu.

Off to California in about 6 weeks for potentially up to a couple of months. I think I'll enjoy that even more as my accent should be a help and not a hinderance.