I might go to jail

Hey bitches, it's 10am and i haev woke up drunk cos some girl i met last night who worked at a bar is gipng to vegas. I'm going with her and i don't think i'm coming back until tuesday. i need to be at work on tuesday though, so fuck knows what's going to happen there.

i don't care. its all part of the ride and i don't give a fuck. i was so smashed last night i did 3 karaoke efforts. 1st one was Valerie, 2nd was Umbrella (ella ella ella) and 3rd was Sweet child o mine.

The yanks loved it and now all those fucks are goig to vegas and so am i. Fuck i don't even know there names and i feel sick.

so i might get the jail or something so i'll se you seeoon. promise to take pictures.

Complimentary happy hour

"Please visit the restaurant for our daily happy hour, which offers complimentary snack food and alcoholic beverages between 17:30 and 19:00" it says in the hotel welcome card. Hmmm... Free drink and free food? Mr ambassador, you are spoiling us!

I walk down beside the pool. It's 30 degrees outside, I have already spotted a Tera Patrick lookalike MILF, and I haven't even had a drink yet! They are offering nachos and some other shite, but nachos will do fine. I get a plate full of tortillas, salsa, and jallipinos then head for the squirty hot cheese machine. Oh baby.

Food is done, it's time to get my drink on. There's a bird with two machines behind her which are squirting out piss warm beer into plastic cups. No thanks. I spy a bottle of red wine which is as yet unopened. I ask her to crank it open and a plastic cup of some decent enough red is mine. Nachos eaten and wine guzzled, it's time for more. I realise that other guests have been tipping the barmaid a buck per drink just for her effort. She's black and looks a bit like that stupid one off The Apprentice who offered an account manager for washing your pants for my liking, but I feel the guilt kicking in.

I take one more free cup of wine, and gulp that down too. People are noticing that I don't have food this time, and I'm just drinking free wine. They are all rednecks and are like pigs in shit with their piss warm chango. I'm not. I head back up to my room for some single notes. Do I head down, knowing full well the entire place knows I've already left? Hell yeah, I'm there!

I head down and tip the girl two dolla for the guilt and ask her for another free wine. I head back to my table which hasn't yet been cleared and sit there like I'm still eating. I get some ice cream but don't eat it. Just to make it look like there's still unfinished business on my table, but it's the wine I'm interested in. I gulp that glass then head back. I walk up and she asks "red wine, sir?" hell yeah, get that shit poured, bitch! But I can't go back now. I have a nacho cheese stain on my shirt, and a face that is soon to collapse.

So I head back to my room, to a flashing telephone, which means I have voicemail. To be continued...

Randomness

Isn't it great? How you can be feeling shit one moment, then out of the blue something or someone comes along and cheers you right up? It's happened loads during my life when I've felt shit, or thought all was lost and then randomness has stepped in and thrown a bone in my direction. Randomness can also be bad. Like when the car breaks down when you're miles from anywhere, or when a pigeon shits on the tits of a girl you're chatting up and she runs away in tears. But mostly randomness is good. I feel much better now after a random event tonight when i was feeling down. Dunno who controls randomness, but someone must. And they have a sense of humour too.

Got back from Singapore

Had a cracking time - but I was working of course!

The women over there all seem to have stellar bodies, but quite a lot of them were also BOBFOC's. Which is to say "Body of Baywatch Face of Crimewatch" (says Rob Lowe, here). A few nice ones in Hooters which I should have a pic of at some point.

I knew I was going to get a cold on the flight home as I always do on long haul. I was jokingly told you don't get a cold on business class. True to form I proved them wrong and now have proper man flu.

Off to California in about 6 weeks for potentially up to a couple of months. I think I'll enjoy that even more as my accent should be a help and not a hinderance.

Things to do if you're bored that don't cost any money

• Open your window and shout cruel sexual put-downs at passers by.
• Lie at the side of the road and see if anyone approaches you to see if you are ok.
• Walk to somewhere far away
• Watch a DVD you haven't seen for a while
• Punch yourself in the face
• Count how much water you can drink until your tummy is sore, wait a while and try to beat that amount
• Shave off your pubes
• Ask people who pass by your house to tell you about their day
• Switch off all the wall sockets in your house
• Switch them all back on again
• Read on the internet about how to get high using ingredients you might have about the house
• Try and make something to get you high based on this information
• Get high
• Phone a relative you feel close to and talk to them whilst high and make them worried
• Phone up a call center and ask the person at the end of the phone what they think about ID cards
• Eat
  Sleep
• Measure the length of your dong at various points in the day. Mine changes significantly for example
• Make a hand print painting and hang it up on the wall (I might actually do this myself cos it sounds like fun)
• Have sex with someone without kissing them or making any sounds, whilst breathing through your mouth only

Credit Crisis?

Doesn't anyone remember when you used to brick it sitting on the chair at the shop waiting on that dreaded credit check coming through on that primitive monochrome PC terminal? You used to have to pay your bills on time, have money in your account, and actually exist on the voters roll and stuff. Now someone called Mohammed Mohammed from Persia can get a loan for up to £25,000 and decide what he wants to spend it on later. It's a disaster.

Nothing is now unattainable, no one has to work at their dreams. The money is there, it's purported to have grown on trees, and if you can't pay it back, just check out the ads on Living TV after the ones about free money from Ocean Finance and you'll get some debt counsellors who'll tell you about the little known legislation that allows you to write it all off again. Brilliant...

It's all these adverts that really get me down. They usually feature fat, ugly or clearly retarded people with working class accents talking about how shit life was when they couldn't afford to go on holiday to the carribean (where them pirates come from that the kids like), decking for the back garden, or "sit on" lawnmowers (fit for Royal Troon) for the lawn of their ex local authority flat in Slough.

These abominations then go on about how it was dead easy to get a big loan, that there were no difficult forms to fill in (spelling their own name is no doubt a problem), or awkward questions about how they keep moving house every couple of months when the debt collectors come knocking on the door.

And when kids come to expect a PS3, an HDTV to play it on, the latest mobile phone, along with some shell suits and trainers each xmas, this trend looks set to continue until something gives way and common sense resumes. But has common sense gone out of fashion in 20th century Britain?

Tis the season to be ass-raped

I had a few things to get today so took the car to the petrol station for the usual 15 quid's worth (anything more in an 800kg sports car is officially a crime). That amounted to about 330ml of petrol though, when I looked at the facking price on the pump - a hundred and fourteen point one pence per litre! WTF, when did this happen? I normally don't care if it goes up a pence or two but fack me, what's that all about? The lassie behind the counter didn't even have the decency to wear a mask whilst she robbed me.

I then had to get a tree, as when I went the other day to B&Q they had sold out of the 20 quid ones. I went to Homebase first as it said on the telly that they had something called a 6ft Colorado Spruce for £9.99. Except the shop was bare and they had fack all.So I went to B&Q who had loads of stock, obviously knew Homebase were out, so set the tree that they were out of stock with last week at £19.99 set at fifty quid and that was the cheapest - next up was one for nearly £85! Out of principle I refused to give in, and left for some food.

I asked the woman at the checkout at M&S where I could get a tree, and she said Chavsda. I don't like going there as the speed bumps are horrid and the standard of parking from the Zafira and Picasso brigade is shocking. So I head to Tesco and find one for 18 quid.

My arse still hurts a little from the petrol robbery, but at least I didn't get humped again for a xmas tree...