Knight Rider 2008

Who else is watching it? I am. And I know full well that it's complete shit. But the lead actor is handsome and watchable, there are lots of hot bitches with their titties out a wee bit, and KITT is a shiny Mustang GT500 which I am secretly planning to replace the Elise with.

The rawk theme tune makes me want to punch someone in the face it's so good, and it makes me feel like the excitable wee boy I am 99% of the time when I watch it.

Yes the plot and dialogue are horrific, but with images and a theme tune that sumptuous to digest, who cares. It may be dumb, but at least it doesn't have a phone vote for who has the most disabled siblings, dead mums, and grandads with the least lymbs most amounts of cancerous lumps in their body and dependent children to make you cry into your Iceland Chicken Biryani (one pound).

Showering while drunk

Why does it feel so wrong? It's like watching a cow walk down stairs backwards, or deliberately trying to piss yourself. You don't want to do it, because it feels against nature.

But why does going in the shower drunk feel so wrong though? It's awful; it's almost like you are temporarily drenched in the grief you'd get with the death of a loved one. All the nice things about a shower go away, like the heat and pressure from the water running in a loving trickle down your neck and the steam making you feel all clean and nice. All those things are gone.

Instead you're left standing naked whilst it feels like lots of tar-covered orks from Lord of the Rings rub you down with dirty brushes whilst mocking your genitalia. Try it sometime. You'll know exactly what I mean.

It's the 26th June

Must be my birthday today then!

Never woken up on my birthday with a hangover before. Someone has sent me a load of boxes from M&S so I'm hoping it's food supplies. My sister sent me a B.A. Barrachus t-shirt which is hella cool, and my cats clawed the hell out of my pants (which were on the floor) to get me out of bed.

It's a nice day so i think I'll jump in the Lotus and head for the countryside at warp speed. Out tomorrow in Prestwick so I better conserve my energy for that since I'm an old man now.

Just a thought, why do these f**king things in the Cadbury's Twisted adverts look like shites? Why on earth would you use something that looks like a shite to advertise a food product???

Heading back to the UK

Went to Pacific Beach today after work for a walk about in my shorts & t-shirt and flip flops, to go for a walk and grab some dinner. You just cannot describe the quality of women out here man, it's astonishing. Every stereotype is true. Girls in golden bikini tops and hotpants rollerblading along the shore, listening to their i-pods with a sun tan and T&A to die for.

I went to Hooters for my dinner which didn't help make me want to leave San Diego either.

I pimped myself out to the managers of both departments I've been out here working with, letting them know that if anything comes up, I'd like to be considered. They've been very postitive, so I live in hope.

I'm sitting here now, about to go out for a few pints and thinking about home. You know what I miss about home?

Fuck all...

That's Vegas done and dusted

I spent the first night at a party in a mansion that the Osbourne's would be proud of, met loads of people and everyone loved the accent and my disgusting stories. I also think I met that guy from Transformers who everybody fancies, and we were talking about UFC (basically a legal fight club). Then the next day we were in a car crash in desert heat and I was just so thankful the A/C was working. That night we went to the strip and ended up at New York New York for food and beer, then for some reason I drove us to a biker bar in the severely ghetto end of town. When I walked in I thought I had made a terrible mistake, as "bad to the bone" was playing and everyone turned round in horror at us all dressed up like we were going to a casino, but instead choosing to gatecrash a biker bar. But then I got talking to some crackheads, met some badass bikers who bought us drink all night, and a few hispanic gangsta's who looked like they were from Cypress Hill. They showed me their guns and then we went for a ride on the Harleys. At 4am. Drunk! I then got into the DJ booth, put on some hip hop stuff, had everyone in stitches at this Scottish bawbag doing the running man on the podium (got 2 girls and a couple of gangsta's to join in) then I did a spot of pole dancing. I've never been anywhere like it in my puff. I suppose like anything though, it's what you make of it. And I went to town! Pics will be ace once I get back to Jockland and plug my phone into the laptop.

Spewing from a moving vehicle

The drive to Vegas yesterday was horrible. It was the most hungover I've been in my life, and I had to keep getting Krystal to pull over and let me be sick. Eventually I just gave up asking her to pull over and spewed out the window and up the side of her car! I stopped being sick once we got to Death Valley, CA where we stopped for Taco Bell and all was well from then on. She has epillepsy and took a seizure when we were driving, that was not so good. We took off, smashed up 3 wheels and ended up on the opposite carriageway. Being mr cool I sorted it though. Anyhow back to the strip tonight where I will take lots of pictures and get drunk before my long bus journey back to San Diego tomorrow.

Birthday party?

I haven't had a birthday party ever, I don't think! So ok, 29 isn't exactly a milestone but I think I'll rustle up a posse of friends and have a party in Prestwick on the 27th. Fancy coming? Just holler! In other news, I think my life is slowly turning into Grand Theft Auto! "Take somewhere she would like". Finish date then "Press A to push your luck, press B to say goodnight". Whisk her about in a sports car and drive it like you stole it? Yeah that sounds about right!

I might go to jail

Hey bitches, it's 10am and i haev woke up drunk cos some girl i met last night who worked at a bar is gipng to vegas. I'm going with her and i don't think i'm coming back until tuesday. i need to be at work on tuesday though, so fuck knows what's going to happen there.

i don't care. its all part of the ride and i don't give a fuck. i was so smashed last night i did 3 karaoke efforts. 1st one was Valerie, 2nd was Umbrella (ella ella ella) and 3rd was Sweet child o mine.

The yanks loved it and now all those fucks are goig to vegas and so am i. Fuck i don't even know there names and i feel sick.

so i might get the jail or something so i'll se you seeoon. promise to take pictures.

Complimentary happy hour

"Please visit the restaurant for our daily happy hour, which offers complimentary snack food and alcoholic beverages between 17:30 and 19:00" it says in the hotel welcome card. Hmmm... Free drink and free food? Mr ambassador, you are spoiling us!

I walk down beside the pool. It's 30 degrees outside, I have already spotted a Tera Patrick lookalike MILF, and I haven't even had a drink yet! They are offering nachos and some other shite, but nachos will do fine. I get a plate full of tortillas, salsa, and jallipinos then head for the squirty hot cheese machine. Oh baby.

Food is done, it's time to get my drink on. There's a bird with two machines behind her which are squirting out piss warm beer into plastic cups. No thanks. I spy a bottle of red wine which is as yet unopened. I ask her to crank it open and a plastic cup of some decent enough red is mine. Nachos eaten and wine guzzled, it's time for more. I realise that other guests have been tipping the barmaid a buck per drink just for her effort. She's black and looks a bit like that stupid one off The Apprentice who offered an account manager for washing your pants for my liking, but I feel the guilt kicking in.

I take one more free cup of wine, and gulp that down too. People are noticing that I don't have food this time, and I'm just drinking free wine. They are all rednecks and are like pigs in shit with their piss warm chango. I'm not. I head back up to my room for some single notes. Do I head down, knowing full well the entire place knows I've already left? Hell yeah, I'm there!

I head down and tip the girl two dolla for the guilt and ask her for another free wine. I head back to my table which hasn't yet been cleared and sit there like I'm still eating. I get some ice cream but don't eat it. Just to make it look like there's still unfinished business on my table, but it's the wine I'm interested in. I gulp that glass then head back. I walk up and she asks "red wine, sir?" hell yeah, get that shit poured, bitch! But I can't go back now. I have a nacho cheese stain on my shirt, and a face that is soon to collapse.

So I head back to my room, to a flashing telephone, which means I have voicemail. To be continued...

Randomness

Isn't it great? How you can be feeling shit one moment, then out of the blue something or someone comes along and cheers you right up? It's happened loads during my life when I've felt shit, or thought all was lost and then randomness has stepped in and thrown a bone in my direction. Randomness can also be bad. Like when the car breaks down when you're miles from anywhere, or when a pigeon shits on the tits of a girl you're chatting up and she runs away in tears. But mostly randomness is good. I feel much better now after a random event tonight when i was feeling down. Dunno who controls randomness, but someone must. And they have a sense of humour too.

Got back from Singapore

Had a cracking time - but I was working of course!

The women over there all seem to have stellar bodies, but quite a lot of them were also BOBFOC's. Which is to say "Body of Baywatch Face of Crimewatch" (says Rob Lowe, here). A few nice ones in Hooters which I should have a pic of at some point.

I knew I was going to get a cold on the flight home as I always do on long haul. I was jokingly told you don't get a cold on business class. True to form I proved them wrong and now have proper man flu.

Off to California in about 6 weeks for potentially up to a couple of months. I think I'll enjoy that even more as my accent should be a help and not a hinderance.

Things to do if you're bored that don't cost any money

• Open your window and shout cruel sexual put-downs at passers by.
• Lie at the side of the road and see if anyone approaches you to see if you are ok.
• Walk to somewhere far away
• Watch a DVD you haven't seen for a while
• Punch yourself in the face
• Count how much water you can drink until your tummy is sore, wait a while and try to beat that amount
• Shave off your pubes
• Ask people who pass by your house to tell you about their day
• Switch off all the wall sockets in your house
• Switch them all back on again
• Read on the internet about how to get high using ingredients you might have about the house
• Try and make something to get you high based on this information
• Get high
• Phone a relative you feel close to and talk to them whilst high and make them worried
• Phone up a call center and ask the person at the end of the phone what they think about ID cards
• Eat
  Sleep
• Measure the length of your dong at various points in the day. Mine changes significantly for example
• Make a hand print painting and hang it up on the wall (I might actually do this myself cos it sounds like fun)
• Have sex with someone without kissing them or making any sounds, whilst breathing through your mouth only